Insanity

If it's possible to drive yourself completely insane I believe I have managed to do it. I am ready to move to Iowa. Now.

I know there is a lot of sin present in my attitude (and lifestyle) right now and I just keep allowing myself to draw further and further into this "funk." As I write this, I am sitting on my bed (where I've spent most of the weekend) with wrappers of fast food (you know it's bad when I eat the way I've been eating) all around me with a marathon of "The Real Housewives of (fill in the blank) playing in the background. Dude....it doesn't get much lower than that.

I smell (and look) like a pile of dump and there is really no real motivation to smell (or look) much better than I do now.

My weekend has been a combination of self loathing and self destruction. Don't worry...nothing crazy. Just what was described above. Fast food, television, laziness. Basically the normal American lifestyle...where I have made a commitment to no longer be a part of!!

Which gets me thinking. Why do we self destruct? Do we want to feel sorry for ourselves? Convince ourselves that the world is against us? Why is it that when one thing goes wrong we let EVERYTHING go downhill? My friend Tara's mom said it best after one of our fast food binges last summer, "Just because you break one plate in the kitchen doesn't mean you need to break all of them." So true...and yet, I find myself doing the opposite. I feel guilty because I haven't been running, so then I eat worse, which I then feel guilty about so I start shopping, which I THEN feel guilty about so I ignore my bible and turn the TV on instead. Ummm.....HELLO UNHEALTHY PATTERN OF SELF DESTRUCTION!!

Dan Rude (who is basically one of the most legit men I know...he is also the pastor of the church I'm heading to in Iowa) gave a series of messages called, "The Silent Killers." Each week he tackled a different "silent killer." The list included anger, lust, pride, envy, anxiety, a few others I forget, and guilt. He talked about how guilt can eventually separate you from the love of Christ. Obviously we know Christ is always there, and always completely full of love, but because of our guilt we choose to distance ourselves from Christ.

It's so easy to see how we do it, but yet when it comes to this world I see myself do the exact same things with happiness. When things are going well I am COMPLETELY in the zone. Work out: Check. Healthy eating: Check. Good work/life balance: Check. TV off, bible on: Check. But as soon as one of those goes...man...they ALL go crashing down.

They all seem to revolve around working out. That's usually the one that leads the charge. I think it's because I have SOOO much energy that wants to get out! When I'm at the gym pumping iron (I'm that hardcore) everything seems to go well. I release energy, I sweat, I get my muscles moving...it's just the best feeling. Then I want to eat healthy, spend my time wisely, be a good friend, etc.

So I guess that's it. I need to go to the gym.

Wow. That was easy...and so much cheaper than a therapist.

But in reality, I know this is an unhealthy pattern. And I know I can't blame my circumstances. I can't say, "It will be better when I'm in Iowa." Because this pattern will continue. It will continue until I decide to fully trust Christ and stop relying on my own strength to bring joy into my life. Joy will not come from me. It will not come from what I eat, what I spend my money on, or whether or not I make it to the gym. Joy will come from my faith in the promises of the Lord. My mind knows that...I just need my heart to get there as well.