The F-word

I used it today. Twice.

Now if you would have known me 8 months ago you would be pretty surprised by the fact I used it only twice today. I used to drop the bomb twice a sentence. That isn't a joke. At work, in restaurants, around kids, in the gym, on walks...it had basically become a staple in my vocabulary. It used to give me a sense of power. A sense of rebellion. "Oh yeah society? You want to tell me how to live? I've got one 4-letter word to say about that!" Pathetic. It's so crazy how I used to think I was so original. Like I was the only attitude having, hair tossing, redbull pounding, drug snorting, club dancing, foul mouthed woman out there. I thought I had the world figured out. I had power over money, men, and authority. I was such a joke. I watch those women now and my heart aches for them. I don't feel pity for them, it's not like that at all...I just feel sadness. I can feel their emptiness. Their over dramatized sense of control. I know the lies...mostly because I invented most of them. I spent more time convincing myself and others that I was behaving this way because I HAD control rather than actually figuring out how to GET control. Everything was out of control. I was out of control.

My language was one of the first things I noticed changing as I started walking with the Lord. This wasn't even something I fought Him on. I read something about having pure speech and was like, "OK. Well...I'll give you that one." I think I was picking my battles...and there were many other things the Lord wanted me to give up...and I just wasn't quite ready to. (Some of them I will probably NEVER want to give up...but the Lord is still working away.) So giving Him my language wasn't even something I realized happening. All of a sudden, I learned I could express myself, in ways other than profanity. I started journaling, and writing, and realized my head was filled with thoughts that were crazy and interesting enough that I didn't need the profanity.

I know there are some people who battle language for a long time. Words give them power. They watched their parents heap verbal abuse on each other for so long that the only way they could be heard is if they were more profane and more obscene than the person yelling at them. I know people like this. And it breaks my heart. By the grace of God I didn't have this upbringing and the shift in my vocabulary wasn't as hard as I would have thought. I honestly didn't even realize it happened.

In the past few months I occasionally will say a word that I know isn't pleasing. It doesn't feel great, but it's never been out of anger and I've moved on without dwelling on it too much. I've been convicted of my speech so I'm not saying those words are acceptable, because they're not...but my heart never hurt after saying them. Today, my heart hurt.

I was angry today. Very angry. Worldly angry. It had nothing to do with the Kingdom. Nothing to do with the Gospel. Nothing to do with the goodness of the Lord. My anger had to do about "life not being fair for me." It was selfish and petty and I have been pretty unimpressed with what I have watched my heart do since I quit my job. My quiet times have increased, my reading has increased, my prayer life has DEFINITELY increased, but I can feel what I am doing. I am giving the Lord 100% of my life....away from work. But when it comes to work? This is my turf. You had better back of Jesus. My work is my idol. I can now say that, and it's the truth.

The first person who said this out loud to me was Luke. Luke is the assistant pastor (I don't know his technical title) at the DTC (Downtown Church...where I'm going in Iowa). Luke is also my brother's small group leader. He is a man I trust is constantly seeking the Lord, and as such, I have chosen to seek council from him on many occasions about various things. Luke tells it like it is. It's hard...but it's truth. I told Luke about my job, my struggles with power, my struggles with money, and my struggles with the obsession over my career track in corporate America. It had become an obsession. The hours were increasing, the responsibility was increasing, and as such, the pride was increasing. Luke waited for me to finish, looked at me and said, "This is an idol in your life." I asked if that meant I had to get rid of it, and he said yes.

The conversation continued on, but the details don't matter. Luke shared verses, remained firm in truth, and showed me my sin. I couldn't talk Luke out of this...he remained firm in his assessment. I had an idol. And it was in control of me.

The Tuesday after Memorial Day I went into the office and quit my job. And since that day I have struggled with it. And today I realized (after the double dose of the f-bomb) why I'm struggling with it. I didn't do it because I trust in the promises of the Lord. I SOOOO want to be that girl who can say, "Well....I realized my job was an idol, and so I just gave it up. I know that God is sooooo good, and that His promises are true, so I did exactly what He would want from me." I can't say this. I am not that girl. I trust God. I am a Christian. I believe Christ died for me on the cross. I have faith. Faith that sometimes rocks me gently to bed at night, and faith that grabs me by the shoulders and shakes the hell out of me other times. I have fully devoted my life to Christ. I stated that publicly during my baptism and I'll state it again, every day, until I'm pulled from this earth. So why is it so hard for me to trust the promises of the Lord?

I honestly don't know. But there is an anger that is inside of me. I can feel it. When I first quit my job I didn't feel it...not at all. I was anger and anxiety free. But over the past few weeks it has slowly but steadily moved it's way into my life. And as I write this I am more and more aware at what it is. I am angry at the Lord. I am angry that He took my job from me. I am angry that I am applying to work at Starbucks 20 hours a week. I am angry that I have a car that is over heating, might not make it to Iowa, and I can't afford to buy a new one. I am angry that I don't have health insurance after my last day at work. I am angry I don't have a cell phone (currently on a company phone.) I am angry that I am leaving Colorado, where I have become obsessed with snowboarding and hiking. I am angry that I have worked so hard to be where I finally landed in my career, and am walking away. I am angry that I have to leave the most amazing boss I have ever had. I am angry that I can no longer impress people by saying, I do project management for due diligence in the merger and acquisitions area for a Fortune 500 company. I am angry that I now have to say "I live in Iowa...and I'm unemployed." I am angry that I am 27 years old and don't own a home yet. I am angry that I only really have 5 friends left in Denver. I am angry that I am losing my identity. I am angry. And I am blaming God.

This started with the F-word. And it has ended with me, stripped of everything, and fully aware of the gravity of my anger. I am angry because I have lost my identity. My promise that I made to fully trust in Christ has not been fulfilled. I have put my hope in something else. I have put my hope in myself.