24 and counting

Tomorrow is Greg (my brother's) 24th birthday. I'm pretty crushed I can't be there, but I'm definitely looking forward to the time we'll get to spend together once I'm in Des Moines.

Greg is an amazing man who has a true passion for not only being strengthened in Christ, but in loving other men and women and providing an example of someone who is truly living their life for the Lord.

My relationship with Christ started with my brother being bold enough to speak truth to my heart, and it has grown through his council, his example, and his evident faith.

I love my brother so much.

At the Notre Dame game. I can't stand Notre Dame football. Mostly I can't stand Charlie Weis. But the game was awesome. And I always enjoy kicking it with Gangsta while watching some football.

I didn't get to make it to all his games (since I lived in California when he was in college) but I definitely got to make it to his playoff games. Unfortunately I couldn't find a picture of the shirt I had made that said, "My brother can beat up your brother." It was the goods. Actually...it IS the goods. I still have it...and definitely rock it.

Greg came out to visit me a couple times in Colorado. This was the first time (I believe). We hit up the jazz show in downtown Denver. Before I took him to the Cowboy Lounge. Yikes.

Just another evening kicking it at the DTC. This was in the old building for the NYE black and white party. Good times had by all.

Darrin & McKenna's wedding. You can't have two people this good looking in one room. Science just doesn't allow for it.

MS 60 (150)

This weekend was the MS 150. For those of you who didn't get spammed with my emails seeking financial donations (I'll get you next year) I'll tell you what it is. It's a bike ride from Westminster, CO (close to Denver) up to CSU in Fort Collins. It's 75 miles each way (150 round trip...hence the name) and it's a two day trip. She's aggressive. She's definitely aggressive. All levels of bikers do this ride and it really is a great cause. All the proceeds go to the MS foundation to research a cure for MS. I'm so thankful for everyone who donated to this cause and all the support I have gotten leading up to race day.

Unfortunately (or fortunately??) I wasn't able to complete the whole 150 miles. If any of you know me, you can imagine the ego beating I endured making this decision. My knee has been punking me over the past few weeks any time I ride over 25 miles on my bike so I really wasn't sure how far I would make it. I made it 60 miles the first day and then bused it the remaining 15 into Fort Collins, and then couldn't even start the ride on Sunday. Holler at that coach bus home to Denver!!

The decision wasn't a hard one Sunday morning due to the fact I couldn't extend my left leg, but it still crushed the ego. Which got me thinking (surprise surprise). Why do I feel the need to "prove" myself to the world?

As I write this I am overwhelmed with Truth. What do I need to prove? What do I have that is SOOOO great, I need to ensure the world sees it? When I think about the most humbling experience to have EVER existed on this earth I think of Jesus Christ hanging on that cross. I mean think about it. This is a man, that was on this earth SIN FREE. He fed thousands with a few fish and loaves of bread, he cured blind men, he cured paralyzed men, He raised someone FROM THE DEAD. Now THIS is someone who had power. And He demonstrated that power when the Lord directed Him to. There was no doubt in the minds of those who chose to follow Him that this man was different.

I think about Jesus hanging there. The Savior who had come, to set ME free. To set YOU free. Filled with all the power of the Lord, serving His purpose. I think about the soldiers that mocked Him. "King of the Jews. Come down from there" as He hung on the cross. I think about how I would have responded in that situation. I can just picture it now. I summon 10,000 angels, who all surround me, they pull the nails out of my hands in pure heroic fashion. Harps are playing and little children are frolicking on the clouds. What a spectacle I would have made. As I slowly floated to the ground and the music picks up around me with a full crescendo of horns, drums, and tambourines the sky parts and the thunderous voice of the Lord bellows, "I am the Big Kat. How dare you question my authority."

But this is not how Jesus responded. Not at all. He hung there. He was mocked, He was tortured, He was stabbed, and He hung. He could have torn himself off that cross and destroyed that entire city at that very moment. But He didn't. Instead He died...for THEIR sins.

Is there a better example of humility? I sure can't think of one. He was a servant. A man with all the power of the Lord came to this earth, to be homeless, to live with lepers, to be mocked, ridiculed, tortured, and finally killed.

Again, I ask myself, "What do I feel the need to "prove" myself to this world?

After we give our lives to Christ our walk begins. Many people see that moment as the end. "Welp, I'm saved now. Catch ya' on the flip side." It doesn't work like that. Not even close. Once we are filled with the Spirit our life begins. Well, let me rephrase that. Our life ends. MY life...my life as Kate Altmaier, biking failure extraordinaire. That life ends. I am now a new woman. I am a disciple of Christ. And as I grow closer to the Lord through this time here on earth I will be constantly humbled and reminded of my purpose. The motives for my actions will begin to represent my desires less and less, and begin to represent the desires of the Lord more and more. My thoughts will not be, "Do the people on my team think I'm weak because I didn't ride day 2" and they will become "The Lord has taken me out of the ride on Sunday. How does He want to use me."

So I challenge you, as I myself have been challenged this weekend, "Why do you feel the need to prove yourself to the world?" The world will never think you're pretty enough. It will never think you're rich enough, funny enough or smart enough. If you try to please the world you will fail. Every day of your life you will fail. You will never be good enough. You can never win against the world, but you will always win with Christ. You have been created by a PERFECT God. You're everything you will ever need through Him. He will provide you with joy, happiness, and purpose. But you have to give Him your life. It sounds so brutal, I know, and I struggle with it all the time. I want to ride all 150 miles, I want the world to think I'm strong, I want to thrive in corporate America, I want to prove my value to this world.

But I have no value to this world. I have value to the Lord. He created me to desire Him, to seek Him, and to serve Him. And I can tell you this with 100% certainty, He brings me joy. Everyday of my life. Through pain, through sorrow, through failures and through challenges. The Lord brings me joy.

My walk with the Lord has just begun and as he gives me grace to chose to live in His light I know I will grow into the likeness of His son. And I know this. One day I will stand before the Lord and He will say to me, "Well done. Good and faithful servant."

I started the day with a heavy heart, and I now feel like I'm soaring.

You want the truth? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!

My blogs are getting aggressive. I'm going to start losing followers (if I even have followers) but I'm convicted...so hold on to your bibles...

1. Evidence That Demands a Verdict.

Long book (written by Josh McDowell). I haven't read it. Mostly because I don't need to know the evidence...cause I got the Holy Spirit baby. But I would take it even a step below that (now look...I'm being LESS aggressive than someone!!) What about "Evidence that At Least Suggests You Should Listen To Me and See If What I Say Makes Any Sense And Form Your Own Opinion Based On Truth At That Point."

I talk to people all the time that are seeking answers. What mutual fund should I invest in, what's the best car for me to buy, where should I send my children to day care, where are other areas I could use my degree, should I build a second home in Aspen or Vail, is Iowa or OSU a better football team (Iowa...duh), what night cream should I use, which cell phone plan is cheaper, is high fructose corn syrup really bad for me, is Spheidi really breaking up or is Heidi just using this as a publicity stunt as Audrena suggests? The questions are out there, and trust me, people are putting in the time to research the answers. When I signed into google today these were the top 5 searches of the day: Asian carp, crib recall, Zach of Scrubs, Rachel Fine, and Italy vs. Slovakia (I dub this acceptable).

I understand that some of these could have implications. Crib Recall. Fair. If I had a child I would want to know if it's crib was rocking out in some way that could harm my child. So I'll let that one slide. Asian carp? Well...I actually didn't know what that even meant....so I googled it (and now gave it one more hit for the day). Apparently a 20 lbs Asian Carp was found in Lake Calumet near Chicago. Why does this matter you ask? Great question! If the carp reaches bodies of water up north it will wipe out native fish species. Man. That's aggressive. What about this for aggressive, "If you don't give your life to Christ you will spend an eternity in Hell."

Yeah. I went there. And chances are you're reacting to that sentence. Which is fair. It was aggressive. I don't deny that. But listen to this. All the things that you are spending your time and energy researching are fine. I'm not saying you can't learn about the Asian Carp. Go crazy. Become a carp expert. Fish them, stuff them, mount them on your walls and tell everyone you know the intricacies of the life of a carp. It sounds like Pulitzer prize winning stuff.

But do this...spend some time learning about eternity. Where to invest your money, what school your kids will go to, what care to buy...they are all fine questions. All of them impact your life spent here on earth. I'm not arguing that one bit. But ask the question that will effect your eternity. Is there a God? Did He create this earth? How do I know if I'm going to Heaven?

If you research the question you will come to your own conclusion. Josh McDowell did. The book mentioned above, "Evidence that Demands a Verdict" did just that. His intention was to write a book that disproved Christianity. Let's just say he didn't quite write the book he thought he was going to be writing.

If you read this and you think, "I don't need to research that. I don't need to learn about God, learn about Jesus, learn about a relationship with Christ. None of that matters." I would really spend some time asking myself why I am fighting even learning about that. What can it hurt? What would sitting in church for one Sunday hearing the gospel do to me? What harm could it really do?

Because where you invest your money will have implications. I agree with that. What car you buy will matter in this life, I don't doubt that. But if you want to know what decision will have the most astronomical implications I can tell you. It's "Have I put my faith in Jesus Christ?"

You can call me crazy and "cultish" all you want. But what if I'm right. What if there is a Heaven and a Hell. What if there is a God that will judge all mankind. What if there is eternity separated from the Lord. I'm not talking 80 years here. I am talking an eternity.

What then?

A Trip Down Memory Lane

I never know what words to capitalize in the titles of my posts. There is a good chance if I went back to elementary school I would fail. Not even joking. I once watched Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader. No....no Mr. Foxworthy....I am not.

Anywho. After spending some time in Romans tonight (I bounce around. You'll learn that. I have a hard time sticking to one chapter....and I usually bounce to Romans). Romans is one of my go to books. Mostly because it's just so honest. It's out there and raw. It's so like Paul to be so forward (I often convince myself that Paul and I would be friends in real life. If I could have dinner with ANYONE past or present Paul would probably be one of my top choices. I'm so off track already...I actually don't even believe I've gotten ON TRACK yet this post. So here goes....

After blacking out in Romans I decided to pick up the trusty journal. Now that I have started online journaling I don't spend a lot of time journaling to myself. I probably should, since you guys don't get to know EVERYTHING that goes on in my life (but trust me....you get to hear the good stuff), but I haven't been for a while.

One of the last posts I had done caught my attention. I'm going to give you the guts and glory of it...

"April 4, 2010 - I haven't journaled in so long and I think I need to. I have decided to leave Pathways. It's hard for me to even write it because of the anxiety it brings up. I KNOW all the promises I'm given in the bible about God taking care of me, so I don't know why I'm anxious about this. I have been praying so much, and I know it's not where I should be. My head still wants to stay, but the Bible, my thoughts in prayer, and all council have told me not to stay. I tried a new church today and my Spirit didn't leap. I want my Spirit to leap. I want Jesus to say, "Here Kate. This is where I want you." Holding nothing back, I believe He wants me at the DTC. Why am I scared to do God's will? I believe getting me out of Pathways was the first step. I don't think he wants me anywhere but Iowa. Do I start looking for a job there? I just want to go back to the DTC...but I love my job here so much."

I read that entry in my journal and two things stand out to me. 1. I believe He wants me at the DTC. And 2. But I love my job here so much.

How many times do we do this? How many times a DAY to I foolishly put my desires for my flesh over the desires of the Lord? Do I HONESTLY think that I will find any satisfaction living for myself? I want to stay in Denver for my JOB when I feel the Lord calling me to move to be in fellowship and be in a community where my soul sings for His glory?

So cyber community, do me a solid this week. Take that thing in your heart, that thing the Lord is calling you to do but you don't want to because your flesh is fighting against it, and just do what the Lord wants. It's really that easy. Don't spend 2 months like I did battling the Lord for something of this earth. Just choose the Kingdom.

Also, since I'm apparently in the mood to tell all you faceless people what to do, share the gospel with someone today. Pray the Lord puts someone with a soft heart in front of you, and just share with them. It could alter their eternity.

It's midnight. I'm blacked out. But I think I'm going to hit up one more chapter in Romans before I call it a night. I bet Paul has got one last goodie for me this evening....

Conviction Countdown

25 days until I move to Des Moines. How do I know that? Because I have been counting down every day until I make my move. The day I told my boss I was quitting my job and moving started the countdown. That was day 43.

Countdowns are a favorite among people. 211 days until my next birthday, 92 days until my promotion kicks in, 38 days until my wedding, there is even a countdown that tells you how many days until your favorite celebrity turns 18....cause you know....we totally need to know when it's legal for them to....um....you know.....vote. (Miley turn 18 in 155 days.)

Last night my girl friend Hannah (who is a WARRIOR for Christ) and I were texting back and forth around midnight. We had a long day. Details would take forever (but you know how much I LOVE the details) but I'll give you a quick highlight. Went to a pool. Women in bikinis, loud offensive music, hard liquor, drugs, vulgar language, lust...it was a breeding zone for darkness. As we were there one of my guy friends was like, "OK. So I have to know what's going on with you. Iowa? To join a cult? What gives Kate." Normally you would think this would upset me....but HELLO perfect opportunity to share the gospel!! So we did...for a while. There were two of my guy friends that sat and listened to me talk (Hannah gave me the stage since she knew these are men I used to party with and were obviously affected by the changes they saw in my life.) One of them was asking a TON of questions and I really felt a softness. (I called him to see if he wanted to go to church tonight and have not heard back...but I have hope.) After a few hours at the pool Hannah and I came home, did a variety of things, had a variety of conversations and I came back to my house. We stayed up late texting and just pouring prayers over this man. Hannah is an AMAZING singer/songwriter who is the female worship leader at our church. She poured song over him and I prayed (mostly because I would offend the masses if I had to sing over him).

As this took place I became convicted. Very convicted. I had the countdown turned around. Completely around. Am I excited to come to Des Moines? Very. There is no doubt about that. But as Hannah reminded me last night (and McKenna reminds me all the time)..."The Kingdom is near." I only have 25 days until I move to Des Moines. 25 days where the Lord can use me reach the broken here in Denver. I had HUNDREDS of friends in Denver. Most I am no longer close to....but I need to swallow my pride and rekindle that relationship. My life has changed, my heart has changed, and who am I to be selfish enough to stay inside watching NCIS marathons? (How I spent my morning)

Have I experienced some anger towards the Lord? Ummm....please see previous post. But I can't let Satan win. My flesh will suffer, that has been evident to me, but the time has come. These people that I know, that I love, need to hear the gospel.

And I only have 25 days.

The F-word

I used it today. Twice.

Now if you would have known me 8 months ago you would be pretty surprised by the fact I used it only twice today. I used to drop the bomb twice a sentence. That isn't a joke. At work, in restaurants, around kids, in the gym, on walks...it had basically become a staple in my vocabulary. It used to give me a sense of power. A sense of rebellion. "Oh yeah society? You want to tell me how to live? I've got one 4-letter word to say about that!" Pathetic. It's so crazy how I used to think I was so original. Like I was the only attitude having, hair tossing, redbull pounding, drug snorting, club dancing, foul mouthed woman out there. I thought I had the world figured out. I had power over money, men, and authority. I was such a joke. I watch those women now and my heart aches for them. I don't feel pity for them, it's not like that at all...I just feel sadness. I can feel their emptiness. Their over dramatized sense of control. I know the lies...mostly because I invented most of them. I spent more time convincing myself and others that I was behaving this way because I HAD control rather than actually figuring out how to GET control. Everything was out of control. I was out of control.

My language was one of the first things I noticed changing as I started walking with the Lord. This wasn't even something I fought Him on. I read something about having pure speech and was like, "OK. Well...I'll give you that one." I think I was picking my battles...and there were many other things the Lord wanted me to give up...and I just wasn't quite ready to. (Some of them I will probably NEVER want to give up...but the Lord is still working away.) So giving Him my language wasn't even something I realized happening. All of a sudden, I learned I could express myself, in ways other than profanity. I started journaling, and writing, and realized my head was filled with thoughts that were crazy and interesting enough that I didn't need the profanity.

I know there are some people who battle language for a long time. Words give them power. They watched their parents heap verbal abuse on each other for so long that the only way they could be heard is if they were more profane and more obscene than the person yelling at them. I know people like this. And it breaks my heart. By the grace of God I didn't have this upbringing and the shift in my vocabulary wasn't as hard as I would have thought. I honestly didn't even realize it happened.

In the past few months I occasionally will say a word that I know isn't pleasing. It doesn't feel great, but it's never been out of anger and I've moved on without dwelling on it too much. I've been convicted of my speech so I'm not saying those words are acceptable, because they're not...but my heart never hurt after saying them. Today, my heart hurt.

I was angry today. Very angry. Worldly angry. It had nothing to do with the Kingdom. Nothing to do with the Gospel. Nothing to do with the goodness of the Lord. My anger had to do about "life not being fair for me." It was selfish and petty and I have been pretty unimpressed with what I have watched my heart do since I quit my job. My quiet times have increased, my reading has increased, my prayer life has DEFINITELY increased, but I can feel what I am doing. I am giving the Lord 100% of my life....away from work. But when it comes to work? This is my turf. You had better back of Jesus. My work is my idol. I can now say that, and it's the truth.

The first person who said this out loud to me was Luke. Luke is the assistant pastor (I don't know his technical title) at the DTC (Downtown Church...where I'm going in Iowa). Luke is also my brother's small group leader. He is a man I trust is constantly seeking the Lord, and as such, I have chosen to seek council from him on many occasions about various things. Luke tells it like it is. It's hard...but it's truth. I told Luke about my job, my struggles with power, my struggles with money, and my struggles with the obsession over my career track in corporate America. It had become an obsession. The hours were increasing, the responsibility was increasing, and as such, the pride was increasing. Luke waited for me to finish, looked at me and said, "This is an idol in your life." I asked if that meant I had to get rid of it, and he said yes.

The conversation continued on, but the details don't matter. Luke shared verses, remained firm in truth, and showed me my sin. I couldn't talk Luke out of this...he remained firm in his assessment. I had an idol. And it was in control of me.

The Tuesday after Memorial Day I went into the office and quit my job. And since that day I have struggled with it. And today I realized (after the double dose of the f-bomb) why I'm struggling with it. I didn't do it because I trust in the promises of the Lord. I SOOOO want to be that girl who can say, "Well....I realized my job was an idol, and so I just gave it up. I know that God is sooooo good, and that His promises are true, so I did exactly what He would want from me." I can't say this. I am not that girl. I trust God. I am a Christian. I believe Christ died for me on the cross. I have faith. Faith that sometimes rocks me gently to bed at night, and faith that grabs me by the shoulders and shakes the hell out of me other times. I have fully devoted my life to Christ. I stated that publicly during my baptism and I'll state it again, every day, until I'm pulled from this earth. So why is it so hard for me to trust the promises of the Lord?

I honestly don't know. But there is an anger that is inside of me. I can feel it. When I first quit my job I didn't feel it...not at all. I was anger and anxiety free. But over the past few weeks it has slowly but steadily moved it's way into my life. And as I write this I am more and more aware at what it is. I am angry at the Lord. I am angry that He took my job from me. I am angry that I am applying to work at Starbucks 20 hours a week. I am angry that I have a car that is over heating, might not make it to Iowa, and I can't afford to buy a new one. I am angry that I don't have health insurance after my last day at work. I am angry I don't have a cell phone (currently on a company phone.) I am angry that I am leaving Colorado, where I have become obsessed with snowboarding and hiking. I am angry that I have worked so hard to be where I finally landed in my career, and am walking away. I am angry that I have to leave the most amazing boss I have ever had. I am angry that I can no longer impress people by saying, I do project management for due diligence in the merger and acquisitions area for a Fortune 500 company. I am angry that I now have to say "I live in Iowa...and I'm unemployed." I am angry that I am 27 years old and don't own a home yet. I am angry that I only really have 5 friends left in Denver. I am angry that I am losing my identity. I am angry. And I am blaming God.

This started with the F-word. And it has ended with me, stripped of everything, and fully aware of the gravity of my anger. I am angry because I have lost my identity. My promise that I made to fully trust in Christ has not been fulfilled. I have put my hope in something else. I have put my hope in myself.

1997 Honda Civic

Remember how I mocked my car in my previous post? Well...I think she heard...and she was not amused. So today my air conditioning went out. Which is a problem....since my car overheats. I normally run my air conditioner to pull the hot air off my engine. But since the AC doesn't work, my LOVELY WONDERFUL BEAUTIFUL car has been overheating. Too legit.

So...all my WONDERFUL friends who are out there in cyberspace. Let's start PRAYING that this car lasts 30 more days. I also have a leaking head gasket (did I forget to mention that?) and 8 months ago they gave my car 6 weeks to 6 months to live. So she's exceeded expectations by 2 months!! WOO HOO!! So let's pray she lasts 1 MORE MONTH!! I don't care if she completely dies the SECOND we pull up to Darrin & McKenna's house....but I just PRAY she makes it that long!!

Dude...my car is STRAIGHT ghetto. But I love her so much!!

2 Corinthians - My new favorite

Move over Romans. Outta my way Galatians. Cause there is a new sheriff in town. 2 Corinthians, baby, Chapter 5 to be exact (and chapter 6 ain't so bad as well). Umm...how have I not COMPLETELY blacked out on this area of the bible before? Now we all know how I feel about Paul (the author of 2 Corinthians for those who need to get hit with a dose of J.C.) And I love Paul about as much as the product of the following formula:

College football x chips and salsa + sunsets x foot massages + days off x laughing


Oh yeah...I like Paul that much. And just when I think Paul can't get any more STRAIGHT LEGIT as he's been in the past 2000 years...he goes and does something like THIS! 2 Corinthians 5: 14 - 6:1. Go get a bible. If you don't have one call me...I WILL BUY YOU ONE. There are three areas of this I love the most...(Paul...don't get me wrong here big guy....this WHOLE LETTER is the goods...but for the sake of this blog (and my sleep schedule) I can only touch on the three most legit (in my mind) verses in this beast. But well done my friend. Well done indeed).


2 Corinthians 5: 15 "And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again." Read that again. Do it. Or I'll hunt you down. Well hello there conviction. Haven't seen you in a few minutes. Thanks for stopping by and COMPLETELY blowing my life apart. Are you serious right now?? It seems so easy. When you read it fast it's an easy verse to blow by, but slow down, and take those words in. No longer live for myself? What does that even LOOK LIKE? In a world where all I'm told to do is live for myself I honestly have to stop and examine that verse. My money isn't mine. My body isn't mine. My time isn't mine. My job isn't mine. My friends aren't mine. My weekend isn't mine. My car isn't mine (well....God probably doesn't want the 1997 Honda Civic with no radio and a blown head gasket...so I might be stuck with that one.) But the implication for this verse is so astronomical. So earth shattering. I need to move on....but seriously...I'm blacked out right now.


2 Corinthians 5: 20 "We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us." Wow Chief. That's a fair amount of responsibility. But I think I smell what you're stepping in. Every time I have EVER heard Greg (my legit brother) pray at some point he always says, "Make us your vessels, Lord." Greg's prayer has never touched my heart more than when I read verse 20. Being an ambassador is a pretty big deal. When I was 14 I was chosen to be one of the United Nations Ambassadors at our junior high (I honestly have no idea if this is a true story...but I'm pretty sure this is where I met Brian Boarini. I don't even know if that's how you spell his name. He went to Northwest Junior High. And he was dreamy.) I felt important sitting up at that round table with a gavel and my UN pin (again...this story could be completely fabricated) but I know the importance that comes with the delegation of being an ambassador. It means we are entrusted, by the Lord, to share His truth with the world. I have fought sharing the gospel. TRUST ME. Ask Ashlyn. I came up with every excuse under the sun for why I shouldn't have to walk up to a stranger and share the gospel with them. And trust me...I can be creative. I was pretty positive I had Ashlyn convinced as well. After a few minutes of listening to me she was like, "Ok Kate. Let's start walking again, and you can share with the next person we come to." Blasted. Foiled by Ashlyn. (I was pretty shocked...and impressed...the Lord is giving homegirl BOLDNESS for sure) because I am NOT the easiest person to disagree with. But Ashlyn was right. And Paul confirms it (here as well as multiple places...but because I'm so in love with 2 Corinthians right now we'll have a separate blog post on why if you love Jesus...you should have a growing desire to tell people....so you're off the hook....for now). Bottom line. Christ's ambassadors. BOOM.

Last verse for the day...and just as rowdy as the previous two.

2 Corinthians 6:1 "As God's fellow workers we urge you not to receive God's grace in vain." Ok. I don't even know where to start here. God's fellow worker? We aren't just called God's workers...but his FELLOW workers? Yeah. I'll just leave that one alone. It's just too ridiculous. "Receive God's grace in vain." What does this mean? I have no idea. But this is what I believe. Receiving God's grace in vain would be similar to what we are told NOT to do up above. We are called to no longer live for ourselves. If you have accepted Christ into your heart and believe that what He did for you on the cross is true, yet you continue to live to satisfy your own worldly desires, then you are disobeying Paul's instruction here. You are receiving God's grace in vain. Now before we all start attacking me with pitchforks and torches throwing out "Hypocrite" and "judgement slinger" let's get one thing straight. I put my own desires before the Lord ALL THE TIME. Am I proud of this? Ummm.....no?? Not in the least. Mostly because I know that my own desires are filled with evil thoughts that aim to do nothing more than satisfy my flesh. Money, power, instant gratification (hello Arby's curly fries). But does that mean that just because it's hard I don't intend to trust the Lord and know He has called me to a life that honors Him. Do I sin? Yep. You betcha. Daily. Hourly. There was one. Whops. There was another. But my focus is no longer on "earning" my way to Heaven. My focus is on accepting the gift of grace that the Lord has blessed me with. Will my sins continue to be present in my life? Yeah. They will. All the way up until the moment I am taken from this earth. But my hope is that the Lord continues to give me grace and strength to no longer receive God's grace in vain. I pray that the Lord continually convicts me of my call to serve Him. To be a vessel for His Kingdom. To reach the souls of the unbelievers who are sprinting down a path that leads to an eternity separated from Him. That got rowdy. But hey...they Gospel ain't no walk in the park.

Below is Brian Boarini. Fellow UN Ambassador...and my junior high crush.

The Power of Prayer

Dude. Prayer is powerful. Can I get an AMEN??

After my ridiculous blog post last night I have been praying...a lot. And I've got some of my hard core prayer warriors praying as well. And dude...prayer works. My Spirit has been lifted and my faith has been restored. Nothing a little 2 Corinthians (plus a 3 page email from McKenna) to jump start the fire. Plus Steele helped a little. I may or may not have listened to "Burn for you" on repeat this morning at the office. People hate me...which is fine...cause I LOVE JESUS!!

On a side note. Sliders might be the best food ever. Obviously second to chips and salsa.

Insanity

If it's possible to drive yourself completely insane I believe I have managed to do it. I am ready to move to Iowa. Now.

I know there is a lot of sin present in my attitude (and lifestyle) right now and I just keep allowing myself to draw further and further into this "funk." As I write this, I am sitting on my bed (where I've spent most of the weekend) with wrappers of fast food (you know it's bad when I eat the way I've been eating) all around me with a marathon of "The Real Housewives of (fill in the blank) playing in the background. Dude....it doesn't get much lower than that.

I smell (and look) like a pile of dump and there is really no real motivation to smell (or look) much better than I do now.

My weekend has been a combination of self loathing and self destruction. Don't worry...nothing crazy. Just what was described above. Fast food, television, laziness. Basically the normal American lifestyle...where I have made a commitment to no longer be a part of!!

Which gets me thinking. Why do we self destruct? Do we want to feel sorry for ourselves? Convince ourselves that the world is against us? Why is it that when one thing goes wrong we let EVERYTHING go downhill? My friend Tara's mom said it best after one of our fast food binges last summer, "Just because you break one plate in the kitchen doesn't mean you need to break all of them." So true...and yet, I find myself doing the opposite. I feel guilty because I haven't been running, so then I eat worse, which I then feel guilty about so I start shopping, which I THEN feel guilty about so I ignore my bible and turn the TV on instead. Ummm.....HELLO UNHEALTHY PATTERN OF SELF DESTRUCTION!!

Dan Rude (who is basically one of the most legit men I know...he is also the pastor of the church I'm heading to in Iowa) gave a series of messages called, "The Silent Killers." Each week he tackled a different "silent killer." The list included anger, lust, pride, envy, anxiety, a few others I forget, and guilt. He talked about how guilt can eventually separate you from the love of Christ. Obviously we know Christ is always there, and always completely full of love, but because of our guilt we choose to distance ourselves from Christ.

It's so easy to see how we do it, but yet when it comes to this world I see myself do the exact same things with happiness. When things are going well I am COMPLETELY in the zone. Work out: Check. Healthy eating: Check. Good work/life balance: Check. TV off, bible on: Check. But as soon as one of those goes...man...they ALL go crashing down.

They all seem to revolve around working out. That's usually the one that leads the charge. I think it's because I have SOOO much energy that wants to get out! When I'm at the gym pumping iron (I'm that hardcore) everything seems to go well. I release energy, I sweat, I get my muscles moving...it's just the best feeling. Then I want to eat healthy, spend my time wisely, be a good friend, etc.

So I guess that's it. I need to go to the gym.

Wow. That was easy...and so much cheaper than a therapist.

But in reality, I know this is an unhealthy pattern. And I know I can't blame my circumstances. I can't say, "It will be better when I'm in Iowa." Because this pattern will continue. It will continue until I decide to fully trust Christ and stop relying on my own strength to bring joy into my life. Joy will not come from me. It will not come from what I eat, what I spend my money on, or whether or not I make it to the gym. Joy will come from my faith in the promises of the Lord. My mind knows that...I just need my heart to get there as well.

Challenge 1: Accepted

Jill Trost thinks she can challenge me. Jill Trost...challenge ME! The audacity! Does she know who she's dealing with??

Challenge 1: Accepted.

I asked Jill what my next blog should be about. Rather than giving me one topic, she gave me five. And because I'm PRETTY MUCH the most hard core blog writer EVER I'm not going to pick 1 topic like she suggested. Oh no. Not me. I'm going to tackle all 5. So get ready for the most obscure collection of random thoughts.

1. Snowshoeing.

This is a pretty impressive combination of two separate items. Peanut butter & jelly? Not even close. Iowa Hawkeyes and 2010 National Champions? Getting closer. But hiking and snow? Oh man...now we're talking. I've gone on a few showshoe trips during my time in Colorado. I do have to admit, more time was spent riding DOWN Colorado's finest on my snowboard than hiking UP them...I got to experience the beauty and serenity of a Colorado tradition.

2. Pizza

Ok. Once you get people talking about pizza you know you're going to get some push back. Pizza is one of those cherished items that is personal, but we can never understand why people don't share our feelings on the best pizza toppings. If you haven't picked your favorite pizza toppings well then hold on to your socks. Because I'm about to lay it out there like a ton of bricks.

If you have a different opinion then I'll be honest with you. You're wrong. It's science.

There are three ingredients that make the perfect pizza (other than cheese...don't sass me). And there they are. You can't have just two of these...or even one of these. It has to be the combination of the three, in perfect harmony, there is no other option.

1. Pineapple

2. Jalapenos

3. Onions

Don't question me. Just order (preferably by Papa Johns) and let your taste buds do the talking.

3. Jill Trost

That's not a joke. Jill, full of humility, asked me to write a portion of my blog about her. Here's what I'll tell you. I love Jill. I question her devotion to Miley Cyrus, but even that obsession can't stand between me and my love for her. Jill is full of life, full of love, and full of energy! I cannot WAIT to get to Des Moines so I can kick it with her and watch her life produce fruits for the Kingdom!

4. Passive aggressive note writing

What? Trost...this has to be a personal issue. First off...note writing? Are you in third grade? Are you folding them in the shape of paper footballs and writing J.T. + J.C. on the outside of them?

Oh man. I would LOVE to go through my notes that I received back in 4th grade. Actually...come to think of it, I'm pretty sure my mom has saved all those for me. Oh man...as soon as I make it back to Iowa you can expect a 4th grade note or two to be posted on this bad boy. Now I'm pretty pumped.

But seriously. Don't write notes if you're an adult. Write blogs.

5. The World Cup

Now THIS is a topic I can get excited about. I actually asked Greg who he would be cheering for during the first US game. He told me "United States...wearing an England jersey."

Pick a side of the fence my dear...pick a side of the fence. Who doesn't like World Cup soccer? It's that time of the year (well...every two years) where people get excited for a sport they have never even thought about for the previous 730 days. It's not like the Super Bowl. We love football here in the US. We watch it all the time and talk about it constantly. So when the Super Bowl comes on we're pumped. The whole season has been leading up to it. But the World Cup? Never in my LIFE do I get so excited about something I couldn't care less about than when the World Cup comes on TV. I mean honestly, do you find yourself watching soccer games any other time during the year? If the answer is yes, you're lying.

Jill Trost - I think you have learned your lesson about challenging me. Don't do it. Because I will not back down from a challenge. Unless that challenge is the "Chipotle Challenge." In which case I will admit defeat before I have even officially been challenged.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FL3m0f_BWA

Starbucks

After seeking some council, I applied to Starbucks today. That's right...the Big Kat...as a barista.

I don't know how to make coffee...and I have a hard time dealing with people. So all in all it's the perfect job for me.

Truth be told, I'm not completely opposed to the idea of slingin' caffeine to 14 year old high school kids driving around town with their learners permit bumpin' LFO with "Seniors 2012" painted in white shoe paint on their back windshields. Never mind the fact that they were being birthed when I was running the halls Iowa City High School as a freshmen thinking about boys and Friday night's big game against our all time rivals West High. Oh dear...I just realized I am now twice their age. Holy slap bracelets...I am old as dirt.

Starbucks doesn't seem like such a bad gig. Sure my boss will be 18. I will spend half my days making coffee and the other half cleaning toilets and tables. I will probably open once a week at 4:00am and close once a week at 9:30pm. The term, "skinny venti sugar-free vanilla latte with an extra shot of espresso and an extra pump of vanilla, light on the wipcream with a sprinkle of cinnamon" will become my new catch phrase. But there are a few perks. Starbucks offers full benefits to anyone working more than 20 hours. So I can work 21 hours a week and get medical benefits. BOOM. It will give me many free hours during the week to spend getting to know more people at the DTC and learning my way around Des Moines. BOOM. I can drink free coffee all day while on my breaks. BOOM BOOM BOOM.

Plus it will give me some spending $$ so I don't have to sneak around people's houses stealing their old CD's from 1998, trying to sell them on the streets. "What do you mean people don't listen to Mariah Carey's Butterfly anymore?"

So all-in-all I'm excited at the opportunity to get out of the cubical, try something different, and work in a setting where I can grow closer to people and hopefully share the love of Christ with them!

So pray for an offer from Starbucks in the next month and a half!!

Grace

I've sat through quite a few sermons in my life. Most of them were before I had a relationship with Christ, so they pretty much went in one ear and out the other. We were forced (pretty much the most accurate word I can think of) to go to church when we were growing up. We went every Sunday, and pretty much every Sunday consisted of the same routine. My mom telling us that we were going to church in 1 hour, and any combination of my father, my brother, and myself would complain and try to manipulate our way out of it. We were unsuccessful every week for 18 years, but that didn't stop us from trying. Our only optimistic outlook was knowing we would either have waffles or baking powder biscuits when we would get home from the service. It's honestly the only thing I remember about church. The food afterwards. And I also remember cages where the children were kept in nurseries. I might have made that up....but I'm pretty sure they existed.

In the last 8 months I have paid attention to the messages I hear. Not only do I not have to be forced to go to church, I usually listen to multiple messages a week. Podcasts are pretty much the greatest invention since the shake weight. It's crazy how something that once felt like a chore is now something I actually look forward to. Through these messages I have heard the word "grace" thrown around like it's coming from Tim Tebow's horrible throwing motion.

I went to a church where the phrase, "Lots of grace" was dished out about 5 times a sermon. In this case, grace was referred to as a hall pass for sin. We were taught that the definition of grace was in essence, "the ability to sin, but the knowledge that this sin was wiped clean by what Christ did for you on the cross." For the first 5 months after coming to Christ this is what I believed. Looking back now I realize how foolish that notion is. And I'm almost angered. This idea of grace being a "hall pass" for sin minimizes one of the most amazing gifts Christ gave us.

As I have continued to grow in Christ I have struggled to put into words what Grace really means. Struggled that is...until now. As I continue to read throw "The Kingdom Life," I came across a small section in the book entitled The Work of Grace. It is a one paragraph section, but it explains, in the simplest of ways, how to define grace, "Grace is God acting in our lives to accomplish what we can't accomplish on our own."

Read that a few times slowly. It's powerful. Grace is what allows us to stand before the Lord, and be formed into the image of Christ.

Using grace as an excuse to actively engage in sin is like calling a diamond just an average stone. It's cheap and it's offensive. Grace is what allows us to be pure before the Lord. Grace is what allows us to love our brothers and our sisters in the way Christ loved us. Grace is what allows us to disciple each other and grow in our understanding of the gospel.

Grace is a complicated idea for me. I still struggle to wrap my mind completely around the greatness of this gift. As I grow closer to the Lord I feel like I understand grace a little more, but for some reason it still feels slightly outside my grasp. But I also am aware of the power of this simple word. I know, that when the day comes where I stand before the Lord to face my judgement, the complete meaning of this word will be revealed to me. Because of grace, I will be able to stand in the sight of the Lord, for eternity.

Kate

Thunderstorms

I heard thunder and smelled rain for about 30 minutes tonight. In Colorado thunderstorms are very rare. It's pretty dry here, and although we get the occasional shower, the sound of thunder is a joy we only get to experience once, maybe twice a year.

As I could smell the rain I sat there and thought about why it is that I love thunderstorms so much. And the answer came to me. I like thunderstorms so much because it's one of the only times people stop what they're doing, and just take a second to look around. The storms give us a chance to take a break. We accept that there is something bigger than us going on, and we submit to the weather and watch, in awe, as the storm picks up. For once in our crazy rushing, hectic, filled to the brim lifestyles, we use the storms as an excuse to stop, smell, look, and listen.

As I think back over the last 10 or so years of my life I can think of many instances where I have sat outside with a friend or two, under the safety of a roof or a deck, and watched a thunderstorm roll in, enjoy the soothing sound of the rain, and watch it roll out into the next city. There is a sense of peace in knowing that you have no control over the wind, the rain, and the storm. We are at the mercy of the rain, and against everything we have been tought by the world, we feel a joy in the safety that something is bigger than us. We have an EXCUSE to relax, and enjoy the view.

It's a great reminder for me. When things feel out of control I am reminded to just stop, look around, see the view, and experience the joy.

Kate

Puzzles and memories

Do you have those friends, that you might not have seen for 10 months, but when you see each other it's like time skipped just one beat and you're right back where you were almost a year ago? I had that night tonight. I have two friends who are dating, Kerri and Andy, and got to spend the day with them. I used to live with Kerri and we met Andy. He was the neighbor across the ally from the first house I lived in in Denver. He was from Iowa, so obviously we all became immediate friends.

I treasure my friendships like these. We haven't stayed in contact like I'm sure we all wish we would have, but tonight we laughed, did puzzles, told stories, talked about Iowa football (duh), sat on a patio in wonderful, sunny Denver and ate Illegal Pete's (think Chipotle....then make it 100x better), and went thrift store shopping.

We laughed like we had never been apart. We talked about life, and some of the changes we all had coming up. I know that no matter where life takes me, I will always be able to come back to see Kerri and Andy, and it will feel like home.

Kate

The Kingdom Life, Kevin Garnett, and Andy Gaumer

To begin, I learned how to upload images during my blogs. So get ready for some awesome images!!

So I'm reading "The Kingdom Life." It's "a practical theology of discipleship and spiritual formation."

That's right. Be impressed. I'm on page 36. I have no idea what that has to do with anything other than this. I read this sentence and it TOTALLY blew my mind. Obviously I have thought about how big God is before...or TRIED to think about it. It's one of those things I can think about forever. Like what eternity will look like, or how God has ALWAYS existed. Your head starts to hurt after a while...but check out this goodie. "We don't have a big physical universe with a little God flitting around here and there. We have a physical universe that fits on the little finger of a great big God who has been here always and will be here forever."

Ummmm.......dude. If you read that a few times and you don't COMPLETELY black out on the greatness of God I would suggest you check your pulse. Cause that is a CRAZY image. Fits on the LITTLE FINGER of a great God???? For some reason I imagine Kevin Garnett with his 9 foot wingspan spinning the universe around like a basketball while giving me one of those, "Don't worry...I've got this girl" smirks of his. How can I worry about ANYTHING when the God that is so big that the universe is spinning ON HIS FINGERTIP cares about me intimately. In the words of Andy Gaumer, "WHAaaaaaT?? That is SOOOO ROWDY!!!"

Below is Darrin and Andy. Andy is being held. It's a mixture between cute and creepy...heavy on the creepy.

I actually miss Andy a lot. During M2TC (Mission to the City - Where I was for the week in Des Moines) Andy and I got to spend a ton of time talking about the Lord. Since Greg (my legit brother for those that do not have the pleasure) lives with Andy we would come home every night around 10:30pm or 11:00pm just blacked out on the day.

Greg (on the left) and his buddy Josh (on the right). They are headed to the dance floor...and they mean business.

Exhausted, but with a Spirit so full of love, sleep was never an option. So we would sit in the living room (Andy on the long couch, me on the chair to the right of the WWII chest) and talk about God. One of us would start with, "Dude. Today was so legit." And the other person would say, "Oh agreed. Tell me your stories." And as if in a trance, we would share, back and forth, about the power of the gospel. Andy's eyes would light up (in the same way that McKenna's eyes lit up the first time she talked to me about the Lord 20 minutes after I met her. I can never forget those eyes.)

McKenna and her straight legitimate eyes
It was dark in the living room, but I could see his eyes, and I could feel his passion. And he would tell me about the gospel. There is something rhythmic about hearing the gospel as a believer. I knew, word for word, what was going to come out of Andy's mouth. By the end of the week I could actually picture Andy in my sleep saying, "Christ died for MY SINS. Who am I to deserve that??" Even as I sit here in Denver I can still feel my brother in Christ sitting next to me, reminding me of the power of the gospel.

Andy doesn't know this (and thus the irony of a public blog where private thoughts are spilled for all to see), but looking back, my favorite part of M2TC was our talks. I would come home, so exhausted I didn't know how I would make it upstairs, and as I opened the door a small part of me would hope Andy was already upstairs asleep so I could just go to bed. But I would see him, every night, asleep downstairs on the couch waiting for Greg and me. I would wake him up, and we would begin our talks.

It was during one of our talks when the simple yet urgent notion of fellowship was revealed to me. I have heard the term "fellowship" used since I was probably 3. But for the first time, since I accepted Christ, my heart felt this fellowship. It was in one of our talks that I realized the magnitude of sharing the gospel. Not only do we as believers plant seeds for the Lord to yield life out of in non-believers, but we plant seeds of fellowship within our congregation that the Lord will yield life out of as well. I always viewed fruit being something the Lord would give me the grace to produce around non-believers, but I learned of the fruit that was produced through fellowship.

My prayer is that the Lord continues to remind me of my talks with Andy as I continue my life in Des Moines. I want to grow in fellowship and community with the women of the Downtown Church with as much zeal as I did with Andy in those few short days. I pray the gospel brings me closer to these women as we love as Christ loved, share as Christ shared, and serve as Christ served.

In conclusion, I operate under the belief that no good blog post should end on the same topic it started. Let me see if I can find a way to link "The Kingdom Life," KG spinning the universe on his finger, and Andy Gaumer. Here goes. God is big. Really big. And His plans surpass any rational thought or reason. Sometimes the awesomeness of God is revealed in a picture of Him holding the entire universe on his finger, and sometimes it's revealed in a conversation between two people, in the living room of a house, in Des Moines, Iowa, at 11:30pm.

Kate

Blacked Out

I promise I'll turn funny as I work through some of the things going on in this rowdy little head of mine. Last night I spent some time on facebook. I updated my status to inform the world (or the facebook world as we know it) about my decision to head out of The Mile High and start a new journey in Des Moines. I didn't know any other way to put it out there so all could hear the good news at once so I did the most classy thing I know...and dropped it in the status. Thank you facebook for the ability to blanket message the world.

As I went through people's pages I kept landing on pictures of who I was before I came to know the Lord. I could see the dates of each picture and each comment and although there were funny moments (Like when I saw pictures a week before I was saved and out loud said, "Oh giiirrrrrllll....you're about to be saved and you don't even KNOW it) there were definite moments of sadness.

As I thanked the Lord for what He had done to my life, my priorities, and my heart I realized my sadness was for the rest of the world. It was for all the people that haven't put their faith in Christ. We talk so much about our lives as Christians and the impact that has on our eternity. I think of 1 Peter 1: 9 where it states, "For you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls." This is such an amazing truth, and I am so thankful for God's promises about our eternity. But my sadness stems from the moment to moment living that people who don't know the Lord experience.

As I was looking through my pictures and comments on people's walls (dude...so ridiculous) I could remember what I was feeling at the moment I made those comments. My reliance on my own will, abilities, intellect, strength, and courage. I always knew there was something more...but I was fooled into thinking I could find it on my own. I remember the emptiness. The desire to be filled. It was so strong, and as evidenced by the pictures I tried anything and everything to fill it.

But God is good. And His mercy and grace are more than I will ever be able to understand on this earth. My hope was filled, my anxieties were diminished, and my heart was reminded of the promises that have been put before me. I was reminded of the importance of love, unity, community, fellowship, and friendship. My convictions for loving and serving as well as sharing the gospel so other people could come to hear truth and put their faith in the Lord were renewed.

Even as I write this, 12 hours later, my heart is filled and my soul is singing.

Kate

The Big Kat - Chapter 2

After spending the last few hours (ok...many many hours) reading through the blogs of some amazing women I decided to begin my very own blog.

I've been told many times throughout my life that I need to write down all my experiences and stories because 1. I've got some doozies, and 2. as time goes on we tend to forget some of the things we've been through that has made us who we are today. Although I feel the people who used to request Big Kat stories would no longer be as excited to hear about the changes that have taken place in my life, I feel the adventures that lie (lay? Huh...no idea) ahead will be even more exciting than the last 26 years of my life.

So here goes...the 2nd Chapter of my life.

I guess I would call it the second chapter for two reasons. The first, I am now walking hand in hand with the Lord. Chapter 1 has a few rowdy stories in it, and I'm sure you'll hear them at some point, but there was a whole lot of sadness that took place during those year. Loss, regret, denial, addictions, pain, suffering, questions, and heartache. Sure the stories were funny, extreme, usually slightly exagerated, but they don't even hold a flame to the last 7 months of my life. So Chapter 1 has concluded, and we begin Chapter 2...my walk with the Lord.

Reason #2 for calling it chapter 2. Thus begins another Iowa adventure. It's still hard for me to put down on paper (or e-paper as the case may be) but I am moving back to Iowa. Des Moines this time...to begin a new chapter of my life. I am leaving behind the lure and seduction of the mountains and my career in Corporate America for fellowship, faith, and community. (I smiled when I wrote that, because it makes my heart happy) The process that got me to this decision will be best told with my favorite ladies, in pajamas, diet cokes in hand, at 2:00am with lots of giggling and pillow fights (they really do happen.) Many hours of prayer went into this decision (both my me and by the women who really do love me unconditionally) and I know it will be the most joyful life as I continue to follow the path the Lord has laid out for me.

I am thinking about what this blog will be. What point of view will I have, will I be funny (duh), will I spark insight, will I show fear, will I show anger, will I be vulnerable, how much is too much, do I share what I'm learning through Christ, do I leave the Lord out of my blog, how often do I write, will I offend people...and I think the answer is all of the above (except hopefully the offending people part). I want this blog to enjoyed by both the fellowship family I am coming to, and those I am leaving part of my life with in Colorado. Who I am is a result of my relationships with all those around me, and I want to share what I learn as I continue on my life...into Chapter 2.

Names will not be changed to protect the innocent and this page will not self-destruct 30 seconds after reading. It will be a reminder to myself of where I have come from, and where my faith will keep me pointed. I hope those who are walking with the Lord will find some encouragement through my story, and I hope that those who do not yet know the Lord will experience just a taste of the redemptive and healing power of Christ.