Where is the faith

Jill Trost asked me today if I was going to start blogging again. I told her I didn't have 30 minutes where I'm sitting still long enough to write one out. Tonight, I've made an acception.

What is it about my flesh that wants to proceed in this world without the assistance of God? Dan has been talking more and more about living your life in the light. Bringing all the shame, guilt, motives, desires, etc. into the Light and letting the Lord scrape away the dead lifeless things we put our hope into and instead, filling us with true understanding of His Son, Jesus Christ.

What is it about myself that I am fighting so hard to keep hidden in the dark? I'm confessing my sins, but when it comes time for me to LISTEN, just sit and LISTEN to the Lord I panic. But panic in a way just subtle enough that it goes unnoticed....by even me. A fleeting thought, a simple day dream, an exciting activity, anything. My mind is instantly taken captive. I'll be honest. I don't want to hear from the Lord. I wish I had another way to put that. And even as I write that I wish it weren't true...but it is. I don't want to pray. I wish that wasn't true, but it is. I'm scared of what I will hear. I'm scared of what will be revealed to me.

I went through this same set of feelings when I first moved to Iowa. I remember thinking, "What ELSE do you want me to give you? Haven't I given you ENOUGH? You've taken Colorado, snowboarding, my friends, the mountains, MY JOB, and you still want me to give you MORE?? What kind of God are you???" I feel that again. And I am so thankful my God is this way. He wants more. Not because He wants to withhold any good thing from me, but because the only good thing is found IN HIM.

I talked to a very wise woman yesterday. I don't get to talk to her often, but when I do, I walk away changed. As we were talking I told her that I was angry at God for a variety of things. She told me I needed to take all these things I was saying to her, and I needed to cast them to the Lord. I have the courage to now say what I didn't have the courage to tell her. I don't want to take them to the Lord, because He will show me the problem isn't Him, the problem is me.

I don't want to constantly be reminded of my failures, my hardened heart, my insecurities, my jealousy, my strive, my vain labor, and my pride. Satan and my flesh want me to believe I can have an impact without the Lord. Satan wants me to think that I can go through all the religious activities, reading, hanging out with women, memorizing scripture, sharing the Gospel, etc. and have an impact on eternity. That is an absolute lie. What is worse, there will be a day that I will have to give an account for my desire to hide away from the light. "Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God." - 1 Corinthians 4:5

I have some praying to do. I'm ready to be exposed.

Kate